First of all, this post will not be about my preferences (which may involve, loudspeakers, coal oil and Washington landmarks). This is my cold, hard assessment of what happened in Iowa, my predictions for New Hampshire, and ultimately my prediction for who will be playing in the big Team Red/Team Blue fuckstravaganza in November. And by that, I mean that we’re probably boned in some way no matter who gets elected. So let’s look at who’s going to be the turd sandwich and giant douche this year:
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders – Technically Hillary did win, but by a thin margin. This means more momentum for Bernie, who will win New Hampshire. Ultimately though, the Dems will probably fall into idiot lockstep behind the lying bitch because I’m not seeing much in the way of principle on that side of the aisle (as for some reason, the Democrats want another Clinton). At least Bernie will beat her up for a few months first. It will give all of us who don’t like liars and socialists something to watch. While eating popcorn.
Ted Cruz – He won, literally. Of course, on the down side, that doesn’t bode well, because the last 2 winners in Iowa were Huck-a-duck and the frothy Santorum (who both weren’t even worth calling losers below). And the woes of GOP Iowa winners goes back further. Let’s all chuckle now.
Marco Rubio – He is probably the biggest winner of the night. He came from behind in the polls to a tight 3rd place finish, which gives him momentum. He’s benefitting directly from the beginning of the fall of the Celebrity Candidate Dickhole (see the first loser). And I’m predicting a win for him in New Hampshire. This gives him enough momentum to rid the death of the loser candidates’ campaigns to an ultimate nomination, because his real rival will be Ted Cruz. And I think he will beat Ted Cruz, simply because he runs the more positive-feeling campaign.
Iowa – Because people not from Iowa gave a shit about their state. (See you in 4 years for the next dong and pony show.)
The United States of America – See the first (and biggest) loser below. Also, NO MORE BUSH!
Rand Paul – Both held on to their polling numbers. I don’t see anything changing, but with candidates dropping, he’s probably the only candidate that’s an alternative to the Cruz/Rubio/Jizzmopper axis. I give him the draw primarily because I’m trying to be positive. But I can’t call him a winner from last night. I’d say this was a blow for the libertarian wing of the GOP, but since Rand kind of forgot to be a libertarian for at least half of 2015….
Donald Assface (who’s name I will not type because he deserves to be purged from politics) – This is the second big crack in the invincible hairpiece armor, after his whiny baby sissy fit where he ran screaming from Megyn Kelly like a little bitch. This fake-ass, self-aggrandizing piece of dog dick is finally starting to slip, because voters are starting to pay attention and are realizing that they’re cheering for a substance-free demagogue who simply represents everything wrong with the GOP. And to be blunt, I have a thousand times more respect for the lying hack Hillary than I do this pseudo-candidate. And I despise Hillary. Thus the namecalling. But his demise shows that we’re not so far gone that this country deserves to die screaming. I’ll probably think differently by November.
Ted Cruz – Because he won. See above. And also, because I think the position of head asshole will probably fall to Cruz once Dickless is out of the race. And from perception of him, he’ll wear it well. People seem to want that “uniter, not a divider” thing, and Rubio, as much as I don’t like him, best embodies that.
Ben Carson – He held the line on his poll numbers. But he has been losing numbers for months. Stick a fork in him. He’s done.
Jeb Bush – Contrary to the Bernie Sanders mantra about the evils of money in politics (which is bullshit), Bush and his allies could not buy their way into the top 5. To put it bluntly, if Jeb were the best sounding candidate of the bunch (and he did have some good answers in the last debate), I still wouldn’t support him, simply because we’ve had enough disappointment from the Bush family (2008, anyone?). Now, if the Dems would stop nominating Clintons….
Bernie Sanders – Because even with progressives jerking off en masse to the sound of his name (I think I heard a bit of it Monday night, carried on the wind), he’s not going to beat the Clinton machine. If he was, he would have done so in Iowa.
The United States of America – Because both parties haven’t imploded from their own stupidity. And because no one will win (except in Washington) with either President Rubio or President Clinton (not the likeable horny one).
Who gives a shit?
Martin O’Malley – Really? Why were you even in the race up to this point? The only reason I didn’t have to look you up was because there were only 3 of you left. And I think you got mentions only out of pity, because all I know aboot you is your name and that you were a mayor or something.
John Kasich, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, Chris Christie, Rick Santorum and Jim Gilmore – I’m sure a couple of these have already dropped out. The rest will follow. Also, thanks Iowa, for giving Kasich a reason to come back to Ohio sooner. Crap.
Patrick Murray – I’m probably voting Libertarian. Again.